In Major League Baseball, teams are limited to 25 players. (The number increases next year to 26.) To keep track of the athletes for the fans watching the game, the players wear uniforms with numbers. Babe Ruth famously wore number 3, Lou Gehrig 4, Joe DiMaggio 5, and Mickey Mantle 7. Others who grew up outside New York similarly never will forget the numbers their heroes wore: Hank Greenberg 5, Stan Musial 6, Ted Williams 9, Willie Mays 24, Sandy Koufax 32, Hank Aaron 44. Nowadays, thanks to public education, both the players and the fans have difficulty with numbers once they reach double digits, so the players’ names now also are sewn on the uniforms. Given the reading scores of this generation and the further deleterious impact of texting (OMG!), tweeting (LOL), and other social media — WT[ph] — soon the players will have to be identified instead by their social media avatars or twitter handles.
1. Can’t Tell 23 Players Without a Scorecard, So Need to Assign Them Numbers
The Democrats’ Presidential field now has reached baseball proportions, with 23 Kids and Counting. It is time for them to wear uniforms with numbers. Listing the team alphabetically:
Joe Biden —10, for apologizing (so far) for: (i) previously supporting a decent crime prevention bill, (ii) once insisting that Clarence Thomas be treated fairly amid the Anita Hill Circus, (iii) previously abiding a “White man’s culture,” (iv) once plagiarizing a Neil Kinnock speech, (v) often putting his nose into women’s hair to smell it, (vi) previously calling Mike Pence a “decent guy,” (vii) urging a border fence to protect America from “corrupt Mexico,” (viii) previously opposing busing to desegregate schools, (ix) claiming that Iowa schools are better than D.C. schools because Iowa has fewer Black students and that Black mothers, from the time their children are born, do not talk to them; and eventually apologizing for (x) coercing the Ukraine government to fire a prosecutor who was looking into massive corruption that saw millions of dollars going to Biden’s son, Hunter, and millions more to his associates.
Cory Booker — 3, for the base he never reached after rounding second when taking advantage of a drunk female acquaintance and groping her private parts in an incident he wrote about.
Steve Bullock — 2, for the number of utterly unknown governors, including him, seeking the nomination after he announced.
Pete Buttigieg — 0, for his polling support among African Americans in South Carolina.
Julian Castro — 39, for the year that Congress passed the Hatch Act, which the Office of Special Counsel found that Castro violated while serving in the Obama cabinet.
Bill de Blasio — 32, for the millions he has proposed spending on curtailing his city’s rat population that has taken root during his tenure (alternatively: 23, for the 23-minute subway delay he personally encountered on the one time he rode the subway with media accompaniment to see whether the frequency and extent of daily subway delays is as bad as all media report).
John Delaney — 6, for the Maryland Congressional District he stopped representing last year so that he could devote all his time exclusively to becoming nationally known and famous.
Kirsten Gillibrand — 4, for the number of her staffers who reported or confirmed that the #MeToo Senator’s personal chauffeur, Abbas Malik, whom Gillibrand repeatedly failed to fire or even discipline until the story broke inPolitico, regularly made misogynistic comments, rape jokes, and otherwise sexually harassed women in Gillibrand’s office.
Kamala #MeTooAlso Harris — 69, for sleeping her way into public life with the married Willie Brown, shamelessly humiliating his wife during the public affair that was reported openly in the media at the time.
John Hickenlooper — 52, for the percent increase in marijuana-related emergency department visits since Colorado legalized pot.
Jay Inslee — 1, for the number of utterly unknown governors, including him, seeking the nomination after he announced.
Amy Klobuchar — 24, for the number of teeth in a Hairmax Professional 12 comb, like the one she used to eat salads and then forced her aides to hand- wash and sterilize.
Robert “Play-Doh” O’Rourke — 71, for the number of millions he raised and blew in losing his one significant election race (alternatively: 8, for the number of ear hairs that even his most stubborn die-hards could bear watching cut from his lobes before needing to heave, hurl, retch, and puke).
Bernie Sanders — 17, for the year of the Bolshevik Revolution (alternatively: 20, for the millions murdered by Stalin).
Elizabeth Warren — 10, for the number of Indians in the song and the Agatha Christie novel.
While other uniform numbers still are being sorted out for Andrew Yang, Tulsi Gabbard, Michael Bennet, Seth Moulton, Eric Swalwell, Tim Ryan, Wayne Messam, and Marianne Williamson — and with West Virginia State Senator Richard Ojeda having returned his jersey, barely worn — the question arises: Why are so many mediocrities and drones seeking an office they cannot possibly handle, much less win?
2. Why Are So Many Mediocrities and Parasitic Drones Running for President?
The answer really is quite simple: The vast majority of them are not running for President. Rather, they are running for book deals, TV news analyst gigs, higher speaking fees, and — if it falls in their laps — a cabinet position. In the case of de Blasio, he just needs an excuse to beat an exit out of the New York City he has run into the ground. (On the other hand, it now is safe for groundhogs to return now that their killer is gone.)
Recent election cycles in the age of the 24/7 Cable-Digital-Social Media News Cycle have established that a run for President is an excellent path for emerging with a more interesting, better-paying job that may attract massive speaking fees, lucrative book deals, and even a rare cabinet slot. Newt Gingrich became a Fox News regular and revived his career as a pundit, author, and media personality after getting squashed by Mitt Romney. Mike Huckabee got a weekly Fox News TV show, became a celebrity, and now has a wonderful weekly show on Trinity Broadcasting, all as his daughter got selected to be the President’s press spokesperson. Herman Cain, a really sweet and delightful pizza executive, was rewarded with his slice of the pie when he became a Fox News analyst and came within a hair of getting a seat on the Federal Reserve Board. Mitt Romney, whose political life mostly had come to a halt after his Romneycare days as Massachusetts governor and then was defeated in 2012 by Candy Crowley, reemerged from dual losses in Presidential campaigns to be deemed a serious candidate for the Secretary of State position that ultimately went to Rex Tillerson and ultimately landed in the United States Senate. Rick Perry ended up Secretary of Energy — perhaps again forgetting that he was named to head the very Department he had forgotten that he intended to close down if elected President in 2012. Oops! Dr. Ben Carson ended up Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Ron Paul was too libertarian to make a buck off his regularly failed races, but that exposure launched his son, Dr. Rand Paul, into political name recognition and a U.S. Senate seat in Kentucky. Bob Dole, from an earlier era, not only managed to get the nod, but even ended up a spokesman for Viagra.
On the Democrat side, Biden ran two pathetic races, whose most majestic moment perhaps came when he described Barack Obama as “clean and nice-looking.” He actually noted, before a live national audience, that the first serious African-American Presidential candidate was not only articulate — but, by golly, the Black guy somehow was clean! He still ended up Vice President of the United States. Hillary Clinton got pummeled by Obama, but she still ended up with a high cabinet slot as Secretary of State, if only to get her out of the country for four years. Same exact with John Kerry. Gary Hart and John Edwards both had similarly huge payoffs awaiting, but they could not restrain themselves a bit longer. And the best example of running for the payoff but not really for the Presidency is Bernie Sanders.
If we are honest, Sanders is not as much a democratic socialist as a communist. He has praised communist bread lines. He honeymooned in the communist Soviet Union. He supports communist totalitarians of the Left, while excusing anti-Semitic racists who spout Nazi tropes in his own party like Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib. For years no one cared about him. He served in the United States Senate, and no one knew. He was not even a member of the Democrat party. He passed virtually no bills. No one knew we had an old crazy communist in the Senate. They figured he was a local starving artist, past his prime, who draws cats and lives on maybe $3 a day plus a saucer of milk. And then he ran for President in a party that he refuses to join. The result? Today he is a household name. People in the Senate listen to him and stop handing him dimes and quarters and asking him to paint them a cat. Overnight he became a millionaire. On boring news days, CNN even tries to rustle up some interest in what America would be like if Bernie were elected President, now that Michael Avenatti’s Presidential exploratory committee seems on hold: “Bernie, would you run with Stacey Abrams?”
An exciting question to mull now that Cersei Lannister no longer is available, and Khaleesi seems as unbalanced as he.
That is the impetus that impels these impetuous imps who would impersonate a real President of the United States if such an imperious impostor could be elected without getting impeached. (Impossible!) They will split each other’s bases like amoeba on steroids. Cory Booker and Kamala Harris will split the African-American vote even though Kamala is not of African descent. Kamala also will split the Weed vote with Hickenlooper. Julian Castro and Play-Doh O’Rourke will split the Latino-Hispanic vote even though O’Rourke is Irish-Scottish, and Castro speaks almost no Spanish. Bernie and Princess Speaking Bull will split the anti-Wall Street vote. Gillibrand and Harris and Booker the #MeToo vote. Klobuchar and Bennet and Bullock the “moderate” vote. Bullock and Inslee and Delaney the “Who-the-Heck-Is-He?” vote. Buttigieg gets the Gay vote — unless Gillibrand, who hops and flip-flops without a soul in whatever direction she must to scratch out any vote she can find, declares herself a lesbian. Yang gets ruined as soon as someone posts on social media that “Yang” means “masculine.” (His only way to survive politically once that erupts is to run on a ticket with Wyoming State Representative Mike Yin, which would make the best-sounding ticket now that Al Franken is politically eviscerated and thus no longer can run with Green Party candidate Jill Stein.)
Biden (#10 until his next apology) has a clear field, as the White Walkers clear out most Dothraki, the Freys wipe out most Starks, the remaining Starks and Targaryens wipe out most Lannisters and Harry Strickland (who no longer will be seeking the Democrat Presidential nomination), and they all basically knock each other out in their own egomaniacal, power-money-fame-driven pathetic Game of Drones. Biden will have to split the coveted Octogenarian Vote with Sanders, although O’Rourke has made a play for that demographic by live-streaming his ear-hairs removal, but Biden’s only real challenge will come not from the ethnics, the genderists, the race-identity lane, the left or the center. Rather, he ultimately will be felled by himself.
Once the live debates begin in June, and Biden no longer is presented to American voters in eight-second news sound bites but in live full sentences and paragraphs in the heat of contentious debate, people will be startled to see how much he has lost any edge he ever had, how out of touch he has become for the modern Democrat primary voter, how gaffe-prone he remains, and how rudderless they are. He not only is a gaffe machine, but he unexpectedly blurts the most racially demeaning comments — praising the one Black he could call “clean,” commenting that Black mothers never talk to their kids through childhood. He is going to implode because Democrat and Left media exaggerations of his qualifications will be revealed in live time. His mumbling and repeating words. His broken sentences that start strong until he needs to finish them with a predicate, a preposition, or a noun. His actual lack of foreign policy commonsense, whether brushing off the China danger or fumbling other facts.
With Bumbling Biden as their runaway front-runner, the Democrats and the Left Media will find they have good reason to fear. #Summer is Coming.
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Author: Dov Fischer